grow through what you go through

one year ago, on june 25th at 10:15PM, I decided to start this little blog of mine. I was laying in my bed, my mind racing with a million thoughts all going a mile a minute (so no different than literally any other day), and I texted some of my friends to tell them about this idea, opened my laptop and started typing away.

a year later, im sitting in my bed, texting my brother about taylor swift, and typing away. happy anniversary to me I guess? and to all of you. who have continuously surprised me with the amount of love and support you’ve all given me. the sharing of the blog posts, the feedback, all of it. this is just as much about all of you as it is about me.

I was looking at all my posts from the last year and its really scary how much has changed since then. some of it good, some of it bad, some of it somewhere in the middle. but that’s life I guess, right?

when I started this blog I didn’t really know where it would lead. I didn’t know if I would be any good at it. would people read it? would anyone care? would it do anything for me? well, people read it. people from all over the world. I think people care? (at least i’m going to tell myself they do). most importantly, it has done more for me than I ever could have imagined.

it has been a really…tough (?)…year. I’m not sure if that’s the most accurate word, but im gonna roll with it. in the last year I’ve started a new job, blew up a relationship, came out, and started a new relationship. i’ve laughed, i’ve cried (a lot). i’ve told a lot of lies. i’ve opened up to a lot of people. i’ve learned to be honest with myself and the people in my life. i’ve had a lot of hard conversations. i’ve learned a lot about life and myself.

there is a lot that has happened since I began blogging. i’ve done a lot of pretty fucked up things to people that I loved. people that meant a lot to me. so if you’re reading this, while I know an apology will never make up for the pain and hurt that i’ve caused… I am sorry. you all deserved better.

the thing about this blog specifically is that its given me a space to talk about things that I wouldn’t have normally talked about. it’s given me the ability to really learn about myself and talk about really hard things. it has been a place where i’ve talked about some of the scariest things. it was the place where a lot of my friends and family learned the truth about my engagement. it was the place where I was able to talk about the loss of my dad, in detail, and how its affected me. it was the place that helped me move on from what I thought was forever. it was the place where I apologized for things that i’ve done that I didn’t have to courage to vocalize before. its the place where I came out. its the place where I have truly gotten to learn more about myself and who I am as a person. the good parts and the bad parts.

even now, sitting here thinking about all of it, I am feeling all of the things I felt during each of my posts. i’m feeling the happiness, the excitement, the relief, the fear, the anger, the sadness, the regret. life is a lot different than it was a year ago. while I would change A LOT about the way I got here, I wouldn’t change where I am.

I thought I would blog weekly. LOL. when I first started this, I just felt like I had SO much to say. so much that I thought I would have enough content to post every week and when I didn’t, I felt like I was failing and it didn’t feel enjoyable. it wasn’t until I realized that I didn’t NEED to do that, that it became what it is now. I don’t NEED to do anything when it comes to this blog. that’s the fucking beauty of it!! it’s one place where I can do literally whatever I want, whenever I want.

I know this post isn’t much, and I promise to get back into the nitty gritty stuff soon but I couldn’t let today end without acknowledging what it means to me. and without thanking everyone who’s made it to this point with me.

thank you for accepting what I have to say, and giving me the time, space, and attention to say it.

thank you for allowing this to be a judgment free zone. its not everyday that I feel like I can share something so personal with the world and not be afraid of what people will say.

thank you for letting me find myself on this journey. for allowing me to feel the things I needed to feel and learn the things I needed to learn, even when it hurt and it wasn’t easy.

thank you to everyone who was with me when I started this, even if you aren’t still here today. (and for those of you who aren’t, and its because of the shitty person I was, im sorry again)

thank you to the people who have forgiven me, who still love me regardless of the mistakes i’ve made. i’m trying everyday to be a better version of myself and I hope you know how much you all mean to me.

thank you to the people who didn’t believe in me. the people who never had anything nice to say to me or about me. the people who made the hard days harder.

all that time you were throwing punches
I was building something
and I can’t forgive the way you made me feel
screamed ‘fucK you aIMee’ to the night sky as the blood was gushing
but I can’t forget the way you made me heal

it’s been a year. to the minute. (it’s 10:15 as im typing this). I don’t know if I will ever really be able to explain the feeling I’m feeling right now, but this was the best that I could do.

see you guys soon 🙂

ps. happy birthday an hour and a half early lyss ❤

• thanK u aIMee: taylor swift
• the smallest man who ever lived: taylor swift
• penthouse: kelsea ballerini
• mountain with a view: kelsea ballerini
• greener: taylor acorn
• im not pretty: megan moroney
• masterpiece: jessie j
• zara: sojaboy
• paint the town red: doja cat
• the cave: mumford and sons
• be your man: g flip
• happier than ever: billie eilish
• perfect day: hoku
• breath (2am): anna nalick
• 10x better: marielle kraft

• the seven husbands of evelyn hugo: taylor jenkins reid
• midnight library: matt haig
• reasons to stay alive: matt haig
• adelaide: genevieve wheeler
• go lightly: brydie lee-kennedy
• the lucky list: rachel lippincott