grow through what you go through

its. been. a. year. to say the least. in the spirit of spotify wrapped and your social media “year in review”, I started thinking about the last year of my life. before I go any further, I want to be clear: some of these things may not seem like a lot to you, but given the last couple years of my life they’re pretty notable to me.

january: I closed on the sale of the first house I ever owned, and I signed a lease for the first place i’ve ever lived on my own. if you’ve been following along, this was a pretty huge deal for me. I lived at home, I lived with a roommate in college, and then with my boyfriend/fiance. for the first time, it was just me (& fenway of course). once the craziness of moving/unpacking settled down and all of the help I had left, it was just me, alone inside these 4 walls that I now call home. was it easy at first? fuckkkk no. I remember within the first month of me being there, kelsea ballerini had released her EP about her divorce (how dare her). I was sitting on the couch watching the short film of it, and I was SOBBING. alone with my own thoughts. and that is the scariest place for me to be. it was really easy for me to feel like I made a mistake. it was easy for me to give into that fear and wish I could go back to the comfort of my “old life” even though it was a toxic place to be. it was familiar. and familiar = comfy.

february: ok this is gonna be one of those things that you read and you think…”ok allison, not a big deal” but just hear me out. I got my first haircut. not my first one EVER, but my first one in god only knows how long. if you know me, you know I’m OBSESSED with my hair. just ask my best friend, she’ll tell you. im constantly asking her if it looks longer, and she’s always lying to me and saying no (*insert biggest eye roll ever*) (jk ily em). BUT, I made an appointment with Salon on the Ave in Lancaster (57/10 recommend) and my hair is THRIVING #selfcare

march: in a previous post, I talked about my plants, but if you’re new here ill give you the short version. I love plants. my ex did not. so I had to settle for fake plants everywhere. WELL I bought my first REAL plant in march. plantS actually because we all know I can never just stop at 1. and to this day, my collection is growing (literally).

april: so, I struggle pretty badly with generalized anxiety. so taking fenway to a dog park for the first time was a major step for me. how could a dog park make me anxious? well, because the ENTIRE time we are there, im constantly panicking that fenway is going to run away or get attacked by another dog, or who knows what. so I always just stuck to taking her for walks in a park or around the neighborhood. that felt safe for me. I also started my sleeve. I already had tattoos on my arm, but they were all kind of random, but this was the first step towards a full sleeve (sorry mom). and of course, what else would it be other than a stack of books with flowers.

“happiness is to hold flowers in one hand and a book in the other”

may: it had been about 5 months at this point since I uprooted the life I had become accustomed to. and I couldn’t have done it without my brother. so when he needed to do the same thing, I didn’t hesitate to help. we got him moved out of his house, and back home for the time being. and while it was bittersweet for him, I felt an immense amount of pride. he’s one of the strongest people I know, and I don’t know how he does it. although, he might not have appreciated the amount of things I threw out in order to help him “purge” his old life, but he’s my brother so he has to still love me, right? being back at my moms, and moving his stuff back reminded me that my old bedroom was FILLED with stuff I had ordered for my wedding. it was may of 2023…my wedding was called off in 2020. why the FUCK was I holding on to the bridal shower favors, the center pieces, the invites, the DRESS? so… I threw that shit out too.

june: I added to my sleeve, and added a tattoo on my leg as well. its safe to say at this point, im addicted to getting tattoos (sorry again mom). the tattoo on my leg is a self love tattoo. if you can imagine arms, hugging themselves, and then obviously flowers and leaves coming out of every part. i’ve really, really, really been trying to fall in love with myself. and this year made that kind of difficult. also… june just happened to be the month that I started this blog! on a random night, I introduced myself to this little online community i’ve created and it has become more than I ever could have imagined. you’ve all given me a place to share parts of myself that I never thought I would. and you’ve made it easy. you’ve made it safe. so thank you.

july: I talked about my generalized anxiety, but on top of that, I have AWFUL social anxiety… crowds, are not my thing. concerts, sporting events, bars, etc. do I still go? yes. do I have to reallllly hype myself up beforehand? yes. but I went to see thomas rhett and cole swindell with some of my best friends. we’re basically groupies and we go see him whenever the opportunity presents itself. but this time, I was excited the entire day. there was no “pre concert pep talk” needed. ironically, july was also my one year anniversary with my therapist, and that will forever be my favorite anniversary to celebrate.

august: we held the 8th annual memorial golf tournament for my dad. no matter how many times we do this, its always heartwarming to see the turnout, to be there with my friends and family, and to ride around on the golf cart (and thankfully it stayed upright this year). I also got more plants, because the 10 I had before weren’t enough, obviously. and they are all still alive and well. who knew I had it in me to be a good plant mom? oh, and we won the championship for softball, no big deal.

september: at this point, you’ve heard me talk enough about kelsea ballerini. you know im obsessed with her, and her music just really hits home for me on so many different levels. sooo obviously, I needed to get a tattoo about it. I talked about her EP, which she wrote about her divorce. but she has another album that came out in september of 2022 called subject to change. its all about the unpredictability of love. heartfirst however, is a song on this particular album about following your heart. and so what better way to remember to follow your heart than getting “heartfirst” tattooed on you? I also added a sunflower to my sleeve. sunflowers are a reminder to embrace joy, seek out light and stand tall in the face of adversity. OH, and two of my best friends got married, I got to stand by their side, drank wayyyy too much tequila and danced the night away with all of my best friends.

“that’s just the kind of risk that we take. my head is yelling that I could get hurt, but i’m gonna jump right in, baby, with my heartfirst”

october: this is a blog that is partially about books, or so I said it was going to be. typically I read thrillers, romance novels, shit like that. but in october, I read my first “self-help” book. everything you’ll ever need: you can find within yourself. it was liberating, and inspiring, and I don’t know…just a good change of pace that was much needed.

november: another win against my social anxiety… going to the 716mas holiday market at river works. not only are crowds not my thing. BUT, I also hate MEETING people at places. i’d much rather arrive and walk in with the people im going with than try to meet them there. it makes me so so anxious. not only did I attend the market, BUT I met my friends there, allll by myself.

december: welp, I feel like this is pretty self-explanatory. just read my last blog post 🙂 I can’t wait to share more about them in the new year.

thank you all for following along for the last 6 months, and I can’t wait to keep sharing my life with all of you in 2024. ❤