grow through what you go through

this post has been kind of a long time coming. whether I knew it or not. it’s time to be honest with myself, and all of you. so here goes nothing.

as many of you probably know, I was engaged to a man. and that engagement was called off, our house was sold, and we went our separate ways. however, what I neglected to open up about was that I had been with a girl shortly after that. prior to my most recent relationship. there’s a lot to say about that relationship, as you could probably imagine. I spent my entire life thinking I was attracted to men. hell, I almost MARRIED one.

I started questioning everything. everything about life, who I thought I was, who I really was, and what that meant. I kept telling myself “there’s NO WAY im gay. there cant be.” I didn’t want to be. for no reason other than society fucking SUCKS. and people suck. and people are cruel. I was scared. and I kept it a secret, with the exception of my close friends. I never integrated her into my life, because I couldn’t bring myself to come to terms with what was happening. and for that, I am sorry. she didn’t deserve that. no one deserves that.

I know not everyone reading this post will understand it. you won’t understand my decisions, or how it feels, or any of it. and I don’t expect you to. i’m glad you don’t, because it hasn’t been fun being me recently.

I’ve been questioning who I am, subconsciously, for longer than I can remember. there are memories that I’ve uncovered in therapy from when I was younger that have made me realize that this wasn’t just some sort of overnight decision. I didn’t wake up one morning and decide that I was gay. I wish it was that easy.

I never felt good enough with guys. ever. I constantly thought it was me, or that they weren’t “my person”. well it was me, I was the problem. for multiple reasons. but it makes sense now. maybe not to everyone else, but to me it does. and I think that’s what’s been the biggest thing for me. my feelings MAKE. SENSE. life MAKES. SENSE. I feel secure in who I am, and that’s more than i’ve ever been able to say before.

why was it my first instinct to lie about it? and lie about who I was? why did I keep her in my life solely because I was confused? I don’t know. I don’t have the answers to all of that yet. what I do know, and what my therapist has helped me work on, is that i’m trying, for the first time ever, to be my authentic self. should I have told people earlier? yeah probably. should I have been in a relationship if I didn’t know what I wanted? definitely not. do I regret both of those decisions? absolutely. and if any of you are reading this, i’m sorry. and I wish you could understand. but here’s the flip side of that: I wouldn’t change where I am right now for anything.

as a matter of fact, i’ve hated myself for MONTHS. in the past year, i’ve lied to a lot of people. including myself. i’ve sat in my house with a handful of xanax, contemplating whether or not I wanted to do this. whether or not all of the pain and confusion was worth it. so if you’re one of those people who got caught in the crossfire of my confusion, and the lies, or the missing information, you’ll never know how incredibly sorry I am. you also will never know how incredibly dark of a place I had been in until recently.

i’ve recently reconnected with someone i’ve known for a while. (more to come about them later) and to say things have been good is an understatement. underneath all of the turmoil, I re-met someone who gets it. someone who makes me feel safe, and comfortable. someone who doesn’t have the slightest clue how much they mean to me. someone who makes me laugh, someone who (as scary as it is) is the same person as I am. and if they’re reading this, I hope they know how thankful I am for them. and for the impact they’ve had on my life in such a short amount of time. it’s liberating being with them. it feels so free and light to hold their hand in public, something that I was scared to do before. it feels rewarding to tell people about them, because for once in my life I am so sure about myself and the connection we have. even thought it quite literally came out of left field.

i’ve woken up anxious, scared and depressed for the last two years. i’ve cried in therapy about how confused ive felt, but had no idea WHAT I was confused about. I wanted to crawl out of my fucking skin. I hated myself. I hated what I was doing to the people around me. I pulled away from everyone. My mom, my friends, myself. I wanted to die. instead of coming to terms with myself and my sexuality, and what that meant for the rest of my life, I wanted to disappear and make it all go away.

but I don’t want that. I never really WANTED that. I just was running from the fear. from the unknown. but thank GOD I stopped running. thank god looked in the mirror and realized how much I was hurting myself and the people around me. I don’t want them to be a secret, I don’t want my life to be a secret anymore. and i’m sorry to anyone that this secret has hurt. so there it is everyone. my name is allison, i’m gay, and its really nice to meet you all. (again).

• a little life: hanya yanagihara
• god bless this mess: hannah brown
• the seven husbands of evelyn hugo: taylor jenkins reid
• kiss her once for me: alison

• i wanna dance with somebody: whitney houston
• she will be loved: maroon 5
• me!: taylor swift
• beneath your beautiful: labrinth
• something beautiful: needtobreathe
• easy on me: adele
• follow your arrow: kacey musgraves