grow through what you go through

when I initially started this blog, I said it was going to be a place to talk about life, books, relationships, grieving and healing. well, I have yet to talk about a book (aside from the occasional list at the end of a post). i’ve read a lot of books that I love, but I’ve been really struggling with writing about them. idk, I guess in my mind if you wanted a book review you could just look them up online and read thousands. but then I read reasons to stay alive by matt haig and I immediately knew that it was going to be the first book I would ever blog about.

if you’re into reading, or book tok, or bookstagram, or whatever other names there are, then I’m sure you’ve seen people annotate books (highlighting, writing notes in the margins, etc.). ive never been that kind of reader. it took me until the end of page 1 to realize this book was going to be different.

ive read books by matt haig previously. ok actually, ive read one book, the midnight library, but I loved it. so when I stumbled upon reasons to stay alive and looked up what it was about, I was sold. its a memoir about him overcoming depression. now, I know you’re probably thinking that this doesn’t sound like something that would fly off the shelves BUT if you haven’t figured it out by now, I’ve struggled with depression. I still do. so it intrigued me.

“depression lies. depression makes you think things that are wrong. but depression itself isn’t a lie. it is the most real thing i’ve ever experienced”

depression does lie, doesnt it? I think about every thought i’ve ever had when I’ve been depressed. and not a single one of them is true. and I know that while im sitting here typing this, with a logical mind. but in the moment, depression is the most real thing i’ve ever experienced. I legitimately thought that I was a failure, that I was worthless, that nothing good would/could ever happen to me. but that manifests physically, right? I would have trouble sleeping, the weight gain, the pit in my stomach, the heaviness. that shit was real. it is real. but its not, ya know? im not a failure. im not worthless. good things have and will happen to me.

“when you are depressed you feel alone, and that no one is going through quite what you are going through. you are so scared of appearing in any way mad you internalize everything, and you are so scared that people will alienate you further you clam up and don’t speak about it…words -spoken or written-are what connect us to the world, and so speaking about it to people, and writing about this stuff, helps connect us to each other, and to our true selves.”

I felt so alone, for so so long. was I physically alone? no. but mentally and emotionally it really felt like it. it felt like it was me against the world. that no one else felt the way I felt. which is crazy right? I felt like I needed to put on this act. if you didn’t know me, or didn’t know anything about my life, you would have never known. I have family and friends who read these posts and tell me they had no idea…because I didn’t want them to know. does talking about it and writing about it help? absolutely. it saved me. but the tricky part is, you have to be ready. and if you’re not ready, that’s ok! but when you are, I promise you it’s worth it.

“the weirdest thing about a mind is that you can have the most intense things going on in there but no one else can see them”

I wish I could remember half of the things i’ve thought or felt in the span of the last 2 years. there were times when, in my head, I thought the world was falling down around me. that life would NEVER get better, that I was just meant to be scared, and sad, and unhappy forever. it was terrifying. but unless you were one of the chosen people who knew about the inner-works of my brain (and im sorry if you were), you had no idea.

“you can be a depressive and be happy, just as you can be a sober alcoholic”

I look at pictures that were taken in the last couple years, 2021-2022 specifically, from my best friends wedding and bachelorette, holidays, birthdays, etc. and I know that when those pictures were taken that I was in a really scary place. I know that I was a shell of myself at that point. but I plastered on a smile, and acted like I was having the time of my life. and its sad, because how much did I miss out on? how much of life did I not get to fully enjoy?

“if you ever believed a depressive wants to be happy, you are wrong. they could not care less about the luxury of happiness. they just want to feel an absence of pain”

when I first read this, I disagreed with it. but the more I sat with that thought, I realized I can’t remember a time when I was in a depressive state that I thought about being happy. I just knew for damn sure that I didn’t want to feel the way I was feeling anymore.

(he’s having a conversation with himself now and himself when he was dealing with depression)

“now me: no. of course not. life is never perfect. and I still get depressed from time to time. but im at a better place. the pain is never as bad. ive found out who I am. im happy. right now, I am happy. the storm ends, believe me.”

while this feels like the end of the post, unfortunately it isn’t. it just happens to be the next underlined part of the book, im sorry for the disappointment but no one is forcing you to keep reading! (but please don’t stop).

life is never perfect. I still have my “sad girl” days. even weeks. but underneath all of that, my baseline is happy. those “sad girl” moments aren’t nearly as sad as they used to be. and if they are, if I happen to get caught up in a wave of emotion about something that really hurts, its easier for me to talk about it and get myself out of it. im not holding on for dear life anymore.

given the fact that it is world mental health day, I want you to remember that depression is a disease, a sometimes life-threatening disease. have you ever noticed that people say things to those who are depressed that they don’t say to people in other life-threatening situations? imagine if you said those things to people in other situations.

“come on, I know you’ve got tuberculosis, but it could be worse. at least no ones dead”

“ah meningitis. come on, mind over matter”

“yes I know emphysema is bad, but you want to try living with someone who has it? sheesh. nightmare”

its sad, but its so true.

“does mental illness just happen or is it there all along? according to the world health organization nearly half of all mental disorders are present in some form before the age of fourteen.”

when I finally started therapy, my therapist asked me how long I had been experiencing depression/anxiety. when was the first time I could really remember feeling this way. at the time, I thought it had been new and all of a sudden. but as we’ve been working on trauma therapy and EMDR, Ive realized that I always have been fairly anxious. one of the first memories I have of being anxious is laying in my bed when my brother and I had a babysitter. I would stay up until I heard my parents come home. I would never, under any circumstance fall asleep without knowing they were home. that was anxiety.

“you are no less or more of a man or woman for having depression than you are for having cancer or cardiovascular disease”

no matter what anyone tries to tell you. no matter how anyone tries to make you feel. mental health is NOT a weakness. it does not mean that you are damaged or broken. please don’t make the mistake I did and allow someone to make you believe that.

“warning signs are very hard with depression. its especially hard for people with no direct experience of depression to know them when they see them…but in any case, these are some of the most frequently cited signs that someone is depressed: fatigue, irritability, anhedonia, sudden introversion”

so, anhedonia is the inability to experience pleasure in anything. I was never having fun, ever. I actually perfected the act of having fun and enjoying myself. we all know I was irritable. I know i’ve said it in previous posts. I was a BITCH. I won’t sugarcoat it. and the sudden introversion was probably the biggest red flag looking back on things. I wouldn’t answer texts, I wouldnt hangout with people. I ghosted everyone.

“just as being good at mathematics often means someone is good at physics, having depression means it probably comes with other things. anxieties, maybe some phobias, a pinch of OCD”

its funny because there would be things that would bother the hell out of me, for literally no reason. and I became neurotic about certain things. I used to internally freak the fuck out if someone would come in to my house and leave things out of place. why? I have no idea. I do it all the time. my whole life is organized chaos. but if it was someone else, I went nuts. I always lock the doors and windows, but I became obsessed with it. if I didn’t physically lock it, it wasn’t actually locked. im still working on that part of things.

“one cliche attached to bookish people is that they are lonely, but for me books were my way out of being lonely”

this is going to sound SO lame. but books kind of saved me. I put lists of books after some of my posts. its not just for fun. its because during whatever situation I was writing about, those books got me through. whether it was because I related to a character, or because they made me forget.

“some people take pills. for some they are a literal lifesaver. but finding the right pill is tricky”

now, I know there is a stigma around taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications. but fuck off. if they help you, who the fuck cares. ill be the first to admit I take prozac every single day, and I have a prescription for xanax on the rare occasion I need it. anti-depressants, alot of the times are a class of medications called SSRIs. selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. now im not a doctor or a pharmacist. but to make it simple, depression is a chemical imbalance, SSRIs increase the levels of serotonin in your brain which plays a crucial role in your mood, helping to offset that imbalance, basically. does it work for me? yes. does that mean everyone needs to take it? no. does that mean you need to shame me for taking it? fuck off. I mean, no. with that being said, it is recommended to pair medications with therapy or some sort of additional resource.

we’re almost done I promise!

“its not easy being there for a depressive”

it absolutely isn’t. so if you’re one of those people that have been there for me in any capacity, whether we still talk or not, thank you and I love you. I know it wasn’t easy. I know that I was selfish, and withdrawn, and unavailable. and I am sorry. please know that if you are one of those people, you are needed. I need you, and I appreciate you. thank you for appreciating that I was (and am) dealing with a disease.

for those of you who have struggled to be there for someone with depression, just listen. tough love doesn’t work, trust me. don’t take anything personally, any more than you would take someone suffering with the flu personally, none of it is your fault. be patient. meet them where they are. don’t make them feel weirder than they already do. understand that there are going to be ups and downs. depression ebs and flows, play the long game with them.

and for those of you who have suffered or are still suffering…

you aren’t alone. you may think that you’re the only person that feels this way, but that’s because the only reference point you have is you. others have been where you are.

there is only upward from here.

everyone in the world could find a reason to hate themselves if they thought about it as much as you do. you are wonderful.

the feeling you have that everything is going to get worse, is just that. a feeling. not fact.

ignore the stigma. every illness had a stigma at one point.

nothing lasts forever, this pain won’t last. pain lies. ignore it.

one day, you will experience a joy that matches the pain you feel now. you will cry tears of joy. you will make great friends. there are books you haven’t read yet, songs you haven’t listened to. find them. you will laugh until it hurts, you will dance, you will smile. you might be stuck in this spot for a while, but the world around you isn’t going anywhere. hang in there, life is worth it. I promise.

depression is scary. but depression made me who I am, and if it is the price of feeling life, it’s a price that is always worth paying.

• reasons to stay alive: matt haig