grow through what you go through

wow it feels good to be writing again. life really has gotten in the way recently, but in the BEST way possible, and I haven’t had a chance to sit down and blog. but here I am. im back.

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toxic relationships. unfortunately, everyone is all too familiar with them. if you haven’t been in one (lucky you), then you most likely know someone who has been. the weird thing about toxic relationships, and by weird I think I actually mean infuriating, is that the person surrounded by the toxicity doesn’t realize right away. it seems to take them FOREVER to see what everyone else sees. think Luke P from Hannah Browns season of the bachelorette. all of america knew that shit was toxic, but it took Hannah until damn near the end of the show to figure it out!

ive had my fair share of toxic relationships, and from my experience the “red flags” everyone is always talking about are sometimes so subtle you don’t realize it at first. and before I go any further, when I talk about toxic relationships, it doesn’t necessarily need to be a romantic relationship. there are toxic friendships out there too, trust me.

I spent years in relationships where my exes were constantly finding something wrong with me. offering unsolicited suggestions on things I needed to “improve”, not supporting my interests or hobbies, and fundamentally criticizing aspects of who I was as a person.

my self esteem slowly got stripped away. and THIS is something I should’ve seen from the beginning. I should’ve known from the very first message he sent to his best friend about me. “she’s on the bigger side, but she’s pretty”. fuck off. it didn’t stop there. it was the constantly comparing me and my body to that of my best friends or other women in general. even though he was WELL AWARE of my continuous struggle with body image. again: fuck off.

the excessive jealousy and the control. and this has been present in more than one of my past relationships, and i’ve seen so many friends deal with this as well. up until this year, I didn’t feel like I could be myself. I walked on eggshells far too many times, and for far too long. my whereabouts were constantly being questioned, along with my intentions. it was suffocating. I was a prisoner in my own life. “why are you with your best friend?” “why are you at target?” “who are you with? another guy?” “why didn’t you ask me to go?” “can I meet you there?” it was exhausting, constantly having to explain the who, what, where, when and why of my life.

I found myself not engaging in self-care. in my very unprofessional opinion, self-care is vital for every relationship in order to keep toxicity out. I neglected myself and my “me time” because i’ve had exes who would guilt me into dropping all of my personal activities in favor of THEIR schedule.

every toxic relationship, whether romantic or not, is different. in my experience, and as i’ve been working to undo the damage they caused me, I found some common themes.

I spent so much time waiting and hoping that things would change
I became very insecure
I was always taking responsibility for everything to prevent an argument
I had a hard time trusting people
I felt worse being in their presence
I didn’t feel like myself
They brought out the worst in me
I stopped having positive feelings about the future
I was constantly trying to find excuses for their “bad behavior”

I would never wish that kind of toxicity on anyone. ever. but I can say it makes me value a healthy relationship SO much more. it makes me value every compliment, every mature conversation, the time I spend with them, feeling like myself, the trust I have in them, the fact that they allow me to be the best version of myself, the positive feelings about a future with them, and not having to babysit them in public or with friends.

do yourself a favor, be better than I was. be better to yourself, be better to your friends and family, and get out before its too late. you’ll thank me (and yourself) later.

• tell me lies: carola lovering
• call it what you want: alissa derogatis
• adelaide: genenvieve wheeler
• never never: colleen hoover
• confess: colleen hoover
• what grows dies here: anne malcom
  
• toxic: britney spears
• abcdefu: gayle
• f*ck you, goodbye: the kid LAROI, MGK
• bois lie: avril lavigne, MGK