grow through what you go through

I know i’ve talked about my love for kelsea ballerini before. and if not, well I love her. that’s all there is to it.

in 2023, kelsea ballerini released an EP called “Rolling Up the Welcome Mat”. initially, it was 6 songs that talked about her divorce, and what her relationship was like leading up to it. along with the EP, she released a short film. 20 mins of raw, emotional music video for the EP.

if you remember the timeline of my broken engagement, I moved into my own place in december of 2o22. by the time february came, I was doing OK, but it still hurt. I was 27 years old and had called of an engagement, sold a house, etc. I’ll never forget sitting in a barely decorated living room, watching this short film on my tv. I was a MESS. I couldn’t help but feel all of the feelings I had been avoiding. these songs really painted the picture to what the last year and a half of my life had been like. and I was watching it play out on the tv in front of me. I liked kelsea ballerini before then, but in that moment I knew I needed to see her live, and hear her sing these songs. (and I finally did, but bear with me…i’ll get to that)

“I can’t believe im a few months out from twenty-nine
I can’t handle another year of you and I just being fine
I’ve shared all my secrets and I’ve paid for all my crimes
And our stars ain’t fallin’ back in line”

-Mountain With A View, Kelsea Ballerini

the songs went from realization to anger to acceptance. and I felt all of it. she talked a lot about the moment she realized it was over for her. I stopped wearing my ring, I stopped wondering where he was and when he’d be home. I stopped fighting for us. but it was the night I tried to talked about my mental health. I won’t re-hash this because i’ve written about it before and truthfully I don’t want to open that back up (it’s locked up tight in my container with my therapist). but it was that conversation that I thought to myself… “what am I doing here? why am I fighting for someone who refuses to fight for me”.

“I think that this is when I cut the ties
I think that this is when I set myself free
One day you’ll ask, “when was it over for you?”

Mountain With A View, Kelsea Ballerini

something I struggled with when I knew it was over for me was having to actually break the engagement off, give the ring back, sell the house. but then I realized… its JUST a ring. its JUST a house. it took a lot of therapy for me to remember that my self worth and my mental health are bigger than a ring. and bigger than a house.

“But I wasn’t made for fixing a plate
Or keeping our problems buried
I wasn’t strong enough to keep on
With all of the weight that I carried”

Just Married, Kelsea Ballerini

but the house felt like home to me. it was beautiful. I had my first library, it had a backyard for fenway, it was perfect. until it wasn’t. and this is when I started to get angry.

“We played the part five nights
But we were never there on the weekends, baby
We got along real nice But when I left town, did you hate me?
One day, the curtain started coming down
You changed the second we were moving out
I guess wrong can look alright
When you’re playing home in a penthouse, baby”

Penthouse, Kelsea Ballerini

this place that I tried so hard to make home, wasn’t actually home. it wasn’t a safe place for me. and leaving it meant giving him half of everything.

“It hurts putting shit in a box
And now we don’t talk
And it stings rolling up the welcome mat
Knowing you got half”

Penthouse, Kelsea Ballerini

one of the hardest, and I guess most confusing, parts for me was him acting like this came out of nowhere. as if he hadn’t been on the other side of every argument. as if he hadn’t been punching holes in walls, and screaming at me. and in turn, I felt BAD. I felt guilty. like how could I do this to him? how could I blindside him like this.

“Was there nothing ever wrong, ’cause you were always right?
Tell me, were you blindsided or were you just blind?”

Blindsided, Kelsea Ballerini

so as time went on and we started the process of selling the house and moving out, I started to hear things. I mean, we live in buffalo, everyone knows everyone and everyone TALKS. I heard the craziest things about myself after we walked away from one another. the rumors took a huge toll on my mental health. there were people who knew nothing about me or our relationship forming their own opinions based off of shit that he said. I felt like I needed everyone to know my truth, and that’s just so unrealistic.

“”Cause people that I loved are just people that I knew once
The rumors goin’ round, but the truth is kinda nuanced
I wanna set it straight by my lawyer says I shouldn’t”

Interlude, Kelsea Ballerini

I couldn’t fix what everyone else was saying, but what I could fix was myself. I know i’ve talked a lot about what I lost during this relationship and during the breakup, and I don’t mean just the materialistic things. I lost myself. I lost friends (but I got them back so jokes on you). I lost sight of what I wanted and needed in a partner. I lost my self-confidence. and from that moment on, I refused to ever let ANYONE do that to me again. genuinely, I hope he is happy. that’s what growth looks like, guys. I don’t wish any ill-will on him. did I at first, absolutely. but what I care more about now is myself.

“For a while the shoe fit
But then I outgrew it
And staying only made me get real good at pretend
So, I hope I never leave me again”

Leave Me Again, Kelsea Ballerini

when it felt right, I slowly began to move on. but what no one tells you about big break ups, is that sometimes getting back out there is harder than leaving in the first place. you’ve “dated” the same person for god knows how long. what do you say? what do you wear? its terrifying. but don’t worry because kelsea had a song for that, too. 😉

“They say to get out with the old you get in with the new
And I haven’t been on a date since I was 22″

“Im scared of looking stupid
Said I, I’m ready now, I gotta prove it
Got a little black dress, I wanna use it
And maybe lose it on the floor that ain’t mine
I think it’s probably time to keep it movin’
I talk a big game, that I’m scared of losin’
Everything I knew about love is ruined, it’s so confusin’
So, how do, how do I do this?

How Do I Do This?, Kelsea Ballerini

SO fast forward a couple months, kelsea ballerini started performing these songs live for the first time and everyone is seeing her heal from her divorce through singing these songs. and I said to my therapist, I don’t think I will be able to close the door on this chapter of my life until I hear these live. and so I did.

last week, my best friend and I stood roughly fifty feet from kelsea ballerini, in the pit at one of her shows. not only did I get to scream these lyrics with my best friend, and an arena full of people, but I got to sing the songs she’s written since then. the songs about finding love after heartbreak. the songs about having people in your life who are by your side no matter what. I got to feel everything I’ve felt for the last 3+ years. the anger, the grief, the acceptance, and the love. and it was MAGICAL.

“I kissed someone new last night
And now I don’t care where you’re sleeping baby
We got along real nice
Until I wanted out, now I know you hate me”

Penthouse, Kelsea Ballerini

it meant more than I ever thought it could. and it made me feel like everything has officially come full circle. I said I couldn’t close the door until I saw her perform live. and I did. and the second it was over, I slammed that door shut. never to be reopened again (closed, locked, threw away the key kinda thing). it was freeing, it was healing, and it was everything I needed it to be and so. much. more.