grow through what you go through

wow, it’s been 4 months since my last blog post. life kind of got away from me.

in may, softball season started; which in case you didn’t know, is my favorite time of the year. softball has been a HUGE part of my life since I could walk.

let me paint the picture for you. it’s the top of the 7th inning, i’m up to bat. I hit the ball to center-ish field, as i’m rounding 1st base I realize the ball is coming in and there’s NO WAY my ass is making it to 2nd. so I turn quickly to go back to 1st… and that’s when I heard it. the loudest pop/rip, whatever you want to call it. and I went down.

now if this same thing hadn’t happened to me 17 years ago I maybe could’ve been naive to what was happening. but I knew. I knew I tore my ACL. I knew what that meant. surgery. no more softball for the summer, no work for a while, and a really shitty summer.

now mind you, I had JUST started a new job, my dream job actually, as an ER nurse. I was TWO DAYS away from being signed off orientation. there were SO many things going through my head. when will I get surgery? will my job be there when i’m healed? what the hell am I supposed to do? will I be able to play softball next season? there were so many questions.

now, you may think this all seems minor. there are worse things that can happen, right? yeah. i’m aware. but I knew what this meant for my mental health. I know what the next couple of months were going to look like.

surgery was scheduled for june 12th. first, I would joke around about it. cool, I get the summer off, I can lay outside all day, no responsibilities, etc. it was about 12 hours after being home from surgery that I knew it was going to be a LONG recovery.

the pain was like nothing I had imagined, or remembered. granted, I was 12 years old before. more resilient or something like that? i don’t know. but the bone pain was horrible. I had to sleep with my leg elevated for weeks, and I hate sleeping on my back. it was all just a mess. (again, I understand this all seems pathetic)

it wasn’t until the first softball game following surgery. it was almost unbearable sitting there, not playing. softball has always been my escape. it’s always been my happy place. it’s always been one thing that’s made me feel close to my dad even though he’s not there watching.

and I felt like an outsider. it felt like I didn’t belong in the one place I loved being. like there was no purpose in me being there. truthfully, I hated the obligation I felt to go every week. it was an internal battle, always.

I couldn’t jog, I couldn’t bike, I couldn’t swim, I couldn’t run. I couldn’t DO anything. I could barely walk at a normal pace. the only thing I could do, was read. and I did. 37 books. in a 5 months period. I felt like such a piece of shit for MONTHS. I felt useless. I gained weight. I felt disgusting. It was the worst my mental health has been in a LONG time.

on top of that, I was worried about work. I hated not being there, I knew they were short staffed, and me being out wasn’t helping. and like…were they obligated to hold my job for me while I was gone? who knew. it was weird because I hadn’t been there long enough to really know anyone that well.

I felt disconnected. from everyone and everything. and again, I know this seems dramatic, so save your judgement. it was how i felt, dramatic or not, it was real for me. I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere.

even on the days I would try to get out of the house, it hurt to sit in a car for long periods of time, it hurt to walk long distances or be on my leg for any length of time. and it was so discouraging. not to mention the weight gain and the swelling. my mental health was at an all time low, and my body image was even lower. like I said, I felt disgusting.

i really found my people throughout all of it though. the people who showed up, who checked in, who came over. the people who knew the toll this took on me and made sure I made it through.

i’ve been back to work for a couple of weeks, and while I come home and can hardly walk from the soreness, I feel like I belong somewhere. I feel like I have a purpose again. there were people who I thought didn’t even know my name, who were excited to see me again. but at the same time, I find myself really struggling to find my “niche”. there’s day I feel like I have no idea what i’m doing, days I feel like I don’t fit in here, and days where I feel like i’ve been here for years. It’s hard enough to start a new job and make new friends, and now i feel like i’m doing that all over again.

i’ve been struggling with the fact that on days it feels like i’m moving backwards. after I work 3 shifts in a row and i’m limping, and swollen, and in pain, when PT feels like it’s getting harder…but I will take that day in and day out over what I was feeling over the summer.

again it sounds dramatic, but for a while there I lost myself. and it’s nice to know that I wasn’t lost forever.