grow through what you go through

I already know that this post is going to be all over the place, it’s been awhile, so just bear with me. or stop reading, it’s up to you.

I’ve been kind of in a creative drought I guess you could say? its not that I haven’t been inspired to write, its more like the things I have wanted to write about all seem so dark and twisty and i’ve been trying to keep them to myself. but… the point of this blog from the start has been to be vulnerable right? to talk about those hard things, not just for me but for all of the people who read this.

before I really dive into anything, in honor of may being mental health awareness month, I just want to remind whoever is reading this that you are enough. its a saying in the world of mental health that will either really resonate with you or will make your eyes roll in the back of your head because it is said so frequently. you are enough. on my best days, I believe it. but in those moments when I am being controlled by my thoughts, those words are far from true.

in the last couple of months, i’ve really been struggling with my anxious attachment (and I discovered this thanks to tiktok). it sounds ridiculous I know, but I was scrolling on tiktok and I kept coming across these videos that had all of this information about anxious attachment styles. I would sit there and read them, send them to my girlfriend, and think to myself: “holy shit that’s me”. so obviously, I had to buy the book that these videos were referring to, and it’s been tough, to say the least.

no one wants to admit when they have a problem, right? I mean it took me forever to even admit that I dealt with anxiety and depression, let alone the plethora of other mental health issues i’ve been working through. so it definitely was a hard pill to swallow when I started learning about different attachment theories and which one applied to me.

if you aren’t familiar with attachment theories, i’ll try my best to explain them. underneath it all, attachment theory has to do with our connections to others. it is a psychological model that describes the dynamics of long-term relationships between humans, that starts between caregivers and children and how this ultimately influences us in adult relationships.

there are four different attachment styles, but for the sake of making this about me (in the most unselfish way), im going to really only focus on anxious attachment styles.

an anxious attachment is characterized by a deep fear of abandonment, that is rooted in insecurity, anxiety and a desire to feel needed by someone. individuals who are anxiously attached (me) obsess about their relationships which in turn sends your body into a “fight or flight” mode. im sure you’re all familiar with the fight or flight response, its actually crucial for survival in a life-threatening situation; however, it becomes a problem when it becomes your default setting. which is where im at (yay).

how did I get here? where did that fear of abandonment come from? where did those insecurities come from? WELL. I’ve been bullied about my weight for as long as I can remember, about 80% of my senior class “boo-ed” me in front of everyone at our senior dinner, my first serious boyfriend (who I foolishly thought I was going to be with forever) broke up with me when he went to college to “make sure there was nothing better out there”, my dad passed away suddenly, my mom got critically ill a couple of years after, an ex boyfriend cheated on my with my roommate (no wonder I ended up being gay), i’ve caught multiple people talking about me behind my back when they didn’t know I was there, and my ex fiance talked about wanting to having sex with my best friend (see above comment). and this is just the tip of the iceberg.

so with allll of that being said, how does that effect someone on a daily basis? well, when you’re anxiously attached, you can get triggered by a number of different things, which then sends your mind into overdrive trying to protect itself from anything that might feel threatening to you.

• absence or lack of communication
• changes in routine
• emotional distance
• conflict or arguments
• uncertainty in relationship status
• social media activity
• being excluded from plans
• observing patterns in current scenarios

not all of these apply specifically to me, but these are just some examples of the small things in everyday life that can send someone who is anxiously attached into a tailspin of chaos.

that tailspin of chaos im referring to, probably doesn’t look like what you’re picturing it to be. for me specifically, its all internal. the anxiety manifests itself and sits with me internally, while my brain is creating all of the delusional scenarios. externally, im quiet, im withdrawn, and I start to disassociate.

so why all of a sudden do I feel the need to write about this? why is this more relevant today than any other day? well for starters, I just had therapy (thank god) and we spent most of our time talking about it, but there’s been some things going on that have kind of taken a toll on my mental health. so those things, coupled WITH my baseline of being anxiously attached, have created some issues for me.

if you’re still hanging on and following along, I want to give you a play by play of what happens in my brain when my anxious attachment gets triggered. and before you read any further, please know that I understand how crazy these things are going to sound, and its embarrassing for me to even publicly admit to some of them but… vulnerability.

• a delayed text or phone call. whether its from my girlfriend, a friend or family. my brain immediately thinks that person is mad at me, losing interest, or ignoring me. which then leads to obsessive thoughts and behaviors.
• if someone changes the usual pattern of interaction or a daily routine with no explanation, I overthink the entire relationship and I somehow manage to take it personally. my brain tries to tell me that it’s because of me in some way.
• a MINOR withdrawal of affection from ANYONE immediately triggers my insecurities and need for reassurance.
• arguments, conflicts or disagreements feel like threats to whatever the nature of the relationship is. that person is breaking up with me, doesn’t want to be my friends, hates me, etc.
• seeing friends or my significant other interact with others, depending on the situation, can trigger jealousy and I am constantly assuming they are talking negatively about me.
• i’ve been in previous relationships or had friendships or situations where my fear of abandonment came true, so any situation that has any similarities to those act like triggers as well.

bottom line: ITS FUCKING EXHAUSTING. for me, and for whoever is on the receiving end. so I apologize if that’s ever been you. while I know this stuff sounds CRAZY, it all feels so real to me.

so how do you fix it? how do you combat the thoughts that your brain is coming up with? how do you ignore the thoughts and feelings that are ultimately there to protect you? no seriously, im asking you because I have yet to figure it out LOL. the goal is to understand that those thoughts will occur, you will think them, you will feel them, but they are just that: thoughts. they aren’t facts. 9/10 times there is no truth to the things our anxiety makes us feel, so don’t let those thoughts control you.

my therapist referenced a children’s book the other day called “Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus”. the book is about a pigeon on a city bus, and the bus driver leaves the bus but urges everyone to not let the pigeon drive the bus while he is gone. well, the pigeon does drive the bus and as you can imagine it is not a success. she said to think of my anxious attachment and my anxiety in general as the pigeon. you can acknowledge that the pigeon (my anxious attachment) is a thing, but the pigeon (my anxious attachment) doesn’t not need to drive the bus (be in control).

think of the way you feel when you’re anxious. for me, my anxiety lives in my stomach. my therapist taught me to describe it; give it a shape, a color, etc. its one of those black and silver/gray spike balls from the super mario games. it just sits in my stomach until im triggered about something and then it starts bouncing around inside of my stomach, the spike causing that nervous, gut wrenching feeling.

now think of how you feel when you are at your best, your happiest, your most authentic and free self. for me, I feel it in my face. you know when your cheeks hurt from smiling too much? that’s what it feels like even if im not actively smiling. but its not a shape, its more of a pink-ish, yellow-ish aura. this is the feeling you need to hold onto. emotional muscle memory. so whenever your “spike ball” or “pigeon” decides it wants to get involved, acknowledge it, feel it, be aware of it, but don’t let it take control. don’t let the pigeon drive the bus. and remember that whatever is happening is not always all about you (you self centered bitch) ❤

so on behalf of my fellow anxiously attached counterparts, please please PLEASE be patient with us, reassure us, love us, and most importantly, try to understand us and know that it’s not personal. (you self centered bitches) ❤