grow through what you go through

i’ve contemplated sharing this (I feel like I’ve been starting a lot of posts like this) because it’s one thing to be vulnerable about the stuff you’ve been through. the highs the lows. but it’s a totally different thing to be vulnerable about your flaws. the things you don’t want anyone to know. but sometimes, talking about it them is the first step in fixing them. hopefully.

i feel like I “blame” a lot of things on past trauma. the thing about trauma is that it changes you. it changes the way you think, act, feel, etc. but that doesn’t mean you get to hurt people. i’ve been fortunate enough to have found a great therapist, who has helped me discover things about myself. the good, the bad, and the ugly (and there’s a whole lot of it).

with that being said, i’ve lied to a lot of people in my life. which actually hurts to admit. and MOST of the time, it’s about shit that doesn’t even matter, so why am I even lying???? make it make sense.

i’ve done a lot of work with parts therapy.

“parts work therapy is a therapeutic approach designed to help patients deal with the different parts of themselves created through chronic trauma”

one of the biggest “parts” of myself that I’ve tried to work on is the “people pleaser” part. when I first discovered the people pleaser part of me, I thought “ok, how bad could that be? so I say yes to everyone? what’s the big deal?” but it’s so much more than that.

i’ve had this overwhelming NEED for people to like me. love me. etc. to be accepted by everyone. i can’t handle people being mad, or upset, or disappointed in me. and I would go to extreme lengths to avoid that. even if that means not being honest.

so this is where the problem lies (no pun intended). I want people to like me, to not be disappointed in me and to accept me, so there have been times where I’ve lied. for different reasons. to different extents. but at the end of the day; a lie is a lie. and once it’s said, it can’t be taken back. the hurt it causes can’t be undone.

but where did this start anyways? how did I get to this point? I don’t have the full answer to that just yet. what I do know, and what I have learned, is that I grew up feeling as though I needed approval by everyone (and this is for an entirely different post). but in order to gain that approval, I felt like I needed to be a “people pleaser”. sometimes that meant I “had to” lie. I would lie about doing my chores so my parents wouldn’t be mad. I would lie about having plans to get out of certain things. It didn’t matter to me.

but then it was taken to another level. I used to be in a relationship where I was afraid to tell the truth. afraid to be honest about what I was thinking or feeling because of this immense fear of rejection or fear of their reaction. so, I pleased them. I said and did what I needed to do to avoid that. for years. I spent so much time lying to him to avoid reactions, that it became second nature in a way.

but the thing is, that i’ve had to very unfortunately learn the hard way, is that a lie is a lie. it doesn’t matter what your reasoning is. it doesn’t matter if you thought you had “good intentions”. it doesn’t matter if you “thought it was the right thing to do”. it. doesn’t. fucking. matter. whoever you’re lying to doesn’t care. and they shouldn’t! you know what DOES matter? the way you made them feel. the hurt you caused them. the betrayal. the trust you broke. that’s what matters. and sorry is never going to be enough, remember that.

it took me 29 years to learn that it’s never, under any circumstances, okay to lie. it’s not worth it. especially when 10/10 times, the truth is going to get you a helluva lot farther.

• sorry: jonas brothers
• sorry: justin beiber
• sorry: halsey
• sorry: buckcherry
• I love you: sojaboy
• I love you always forever: donna lewis
• please forgive me: david gray