grow through what you go through

if you’ve been following along recently, you know that I recently came out. and if you haven’t been, welp, cats outta the bag! but anyways, i’ve been saying since then that there would be more to come about this new relationship i’m in. I don’t typically write in detail about my relationships, I tend to be very vague about who/what im talking about for a couple of different reasons; however, i’m genuinely excited to share this new part of my life with all of you.

i’m not entirely sure if I ever really believed in fate or anything like that. but if i’ve learned anything over the past month or so, it’s that the universe works in a pretty insane way. whatever word you want to use, whether its fate or something else, i’ve genuinely become a firm believer in everything happening for a reason. i’ve known this person since high school believe it or not. we spent a couple of years in school together, and never said a single word to each other. ever.

its funny because over the years we’ve continuously run into each other. at bars, at different events, etc. for some reason, our paths just KEPT crossing. but I thought nothing of it. in fact, I didn’t even really realize it until we started talking and connecting all of the dots.

it was like a movie. like the definition of a “meet-cute”. the kind you read about in books. and if you are uncultured and don’t know what a “meet-cute” is, its the moment where love interests meet for the first time in an unexpected/cute/sometimes humorous way.

we were both at a local dive bar, at a benefit for a mutual friend of ours (which I didn’t actually really want to go to, no offense chris). not for any reason other than the fact that I KNEW it would be like a high school reunion that I didn’t sign up for. BUT nevertheless, I went. and SURE ENOUGH it was exactly the reunion I thought it would be. there were SO many people from high school there. but I only paid attention to one of them. I saw them walk into the bar, and this is where the “meet-cute” starts.

my friend and I walked into the bar to get another round of drinks, as we were walking back out, they were walking back in and we quite literally collided. all I remember is having the STUPIDEST smile on my face, and all I could say was “HI!”. that was it. the rest of the night I couldn’t help but watch them, in the least creepy way possible. every time I walked into the bar, I noticed them. but again, I really didn’t think anything of it. anyways, the night goes on, I don’t win a SINGLE thing from the basket raffle (this is important later), and I go home.

life moved on after that, although I found myself noticing more and more anytime they would post something on any social media platform. fast forward a couple of weeks. they post a snapchat of themselves and some friends drinking $1.00 margaritas. now, if you know me, you know I LOVE tequila and a good deal. so $1.00 margaritas is a NO BRAINER. innocently enough, I replied to their snapchat story and asked where I could get a margarita for A DOLLAR. they responded, told me where they were, to which I said “oh wow, I’ll have to go sometime”. now, I was HOPING their response would’ve been something along the lines of “yeah we should go together” or literally anything even remotely close to that. instead… all I got was “yeah you should!” or some bullshit like that.

we continued to snapchat kind of infrequently but enough that they were still on my radar. a couple weeks later, as we were exchanging snapchats, they replied to me and asked if they could say something “out of pocket”. admittedly, I had no idea what that meant and immediately googled it. the “out of pocket” statement was:

“everything about you is aesthetically pleasing. your nose ring, your hair, your style.”

“I guess a normal person would say you’re fucking gorgeous and move on with their day, but here we are”

aesthetically pleasing. i’m willing to bet none of you have received that compliment before. immediately I had butterflies in my stomach, in my chest, literally everywhere. I was supposed to be getting ready to leave my house and was too busy smiling at my phone like an IDIOT. I wish I still had the messages to know exactly how I responded to that, but I can assure you it was in no way as smooth as that. I promise you. I tried so hard to play it cool and I know that I failed miserably.

what I do remember was that every message that was sent after that felt like I was talking to someone I had known forever. I smiled, I laughed, I blushed. once we realized there was a mutual attraction between us, we planned a date to go out for drinks the following week. I was PANICKING. I had been with a girl before, yes. but this felt different. in a way I couldn’t describe.

we talked on the phone that night. what started as a phone call on my 25 minute drive home, turned into a 4 hour conversation. about life. about high school. about our pasts. you name it, we talked about it in those 4 hours. this is when I started to realize something really special was happening.

remember how I said our lives were constantly overlapping? it was over the next couple of days that I realized just how true that was. when we were in high school, they were in chorale and I was in band. we had concerts together, field trips together, school events together, and never knew.

they played soccer and I played volleyball. we shared a sports locker room, we had mutual friends on each team and would go to watch games and never knew.

they were in the musical and I was in stage crew. we spent multiple days after school together, rehearsing, and never knew.

their aunt and uncle are my moms next door neighbors. their car was parked in front of my moms house thousands of times. they were next door to me my entire life. and we never knew.

they worked for the same hospital I worked for when I first became a nurse. we never knew.

I was at the kane brown concert, front row, on the big screen, asking russell dickerson to sing AT MY WEDDING, and they were watching it from the stands while they were ON A DATE. we had no idea.

we were both with our separate groups of friends, in the same room, at the same bar, for a NYE party years ago. we didn’t realize until this year.

they perform at pride, i’ve gone to pride the last couple years and never knew they were there.

our birthdays are the day before/after the others.

there were SO many moments where we were SO close, but still so far away from each other. and to think back on that is kind of crazy to me. I think about our very separate lives in each of those moments, and I think about how much we were each going through with no idea that we’d end up here.

we spent a lot of time talking about all of those moments, and hearing about them from each others perspectives. we’ve talked about how we didn’t speak to each other in high school because they thought I was homophobic and hated them… (thanks to my severe resting bitch face). we’ve talked about how they won 100 baskets at the basket raffle which is why I didn’t win any. we’ve talked about how many times we’ve noticed each other but never said anything. it seems crazy to me that we could’ve gone from where/who we were in high school to where/who we are now. there’s times where we are doing something and we’ll just look at each other and say “remember when we went to high school together?” because it just feels so SURREAL that we are those people.

they’ve completely changed my life. in such a short amount of time. I know I said I don’t normally write in depth about my relationships, but this one is something I don’t want to hide. I want to (and do) talk about them to literally anyone who will listen. even if they don’t listen, ill still talk about it. I can’t help it.

earlier, I mentioned that we had set a a date for the week after we had started talking. well, I think its important to note that we made it less than 48 hours before we decided we couldn’t wait that long. we hung out every single day before that “first date”. and it’s been like that ever since.

they’re intoxicating. every single thing about them. their laugh, the things they say, the way they look at me. they are healing parts of me that they didn’t break, and they don’t even realize it.

there are so many things that I just accepted in my past relationships, things that I needed/wanted and never received that I don’t even have to ask for anymore. because they just do it. they just know. im no longer defending every single thing I say or do, because I don’t have to. im not walking on eggshells, im not scared to say how I feel, or what I think. im not afraid to be myself. im not afraid to do/try new things, because they make me feel invincible.

everyone says to “date your best friend”. and I know why. every single day I spend with them is the best day of my life. they make it so easy to smile. they make every single day better than the last. and they make all of the anxieties and worries of everyday life seem so miniscule.

I think the biggest thing for me, and what I really cherish about them and this relationship is the thoughtfulness. I never have to question what I mean to them, because they never let me forget. they never let me question how they feel.

they are everything I never knew I needed. they have made all of the loss, heartbreak, tears and sleepless nights worth it. they have picked up the pieces of a mess they didn’t make, and they have been meticulously putting it all back together.

they have allowed me to feel a love i’ve never felt before. they have made it so easy to break down every wall i’ve ever built. they’ve made me want to wake up in the morning. they’ve made me fall in love with my life again, and look forward to whatever the future holds. they’ve made loving them the EASIEST thing i’ve ever done.

while im here (because hopefully they are reading this, if not we’re breaking up), I just wanted to publicly thank them. so thank you. thank you for allowing me to fall in love with you. thank you for loving me so passionately. thank you for making me laugh until I cry. thank you for being my personal chef (insert drooling emoji here). thank you for opening your life and your heart to me. thank you for standing by me while we both heal from our past. thank you for being my best friend, my favorite hello, and my hardest goodbye. thank you for supporting my dreams. thank you for loving fenway. thank you for loving me. thank you for being you.

all I can say is that fate is a weird thing. timing is weird. LIFE is weird. but I finally love living it. after all this time.

• universe: kelsea ballerini
• something beautiful: NEEDTOBREATHE
• beneath your beautiful: labrinth
• safe with you: delaney jane
• at your worst: calum scott
• falling (so in love): we the kings
• I think i’m in love: taylor acorn
• can’t stop dancin: becky g
• im alive: celine dion
• breathe (2am): anna nalick
• the one: backstreet boys
• zara: sojaboy
• because you live: jesse mccartney
• I get to love you: mesh didi
• a new day has come: celine dion
• how do I do this: kelsea ballerini

• empress of the world: sara ryan
• those who wait: haley cass
• kiss her once for me: alison cochrun
• the next chapter: jana kramer
• reasons to stay alive: matt haig
• meet me at the lake: carley fortune
• every summer after: carley fortune
• the soulmate equation: christina lauren
• one true loves: taylor jenkins reid