grow through what you go through

I was driving to therapy today with my windows down, the sun was shining, and I was blasting Doin’ My Best by Kelsea Ballerini.

“if I said I had it all together id be lyin
but ill die tryin
im doin my best, im letting the rest roll off my shoulders, baby
don’t always get it right, and that’s alright
that’s what im learning lately
I keep growing up, I keep rolling up my sleeves
and I think showing up is good enough for me”

as im in the car singing, I stopped myself (not literally, I was in the middle of moving traffic), and I thought about how different I felt in that exact moment then I did a year ago. back then, I was NOT doin my best.

1 year ago, I was living in a house that didn’t feel like home. I was a shell of the girl who was in the car singing today. I was so miserable, and in such a deep state of depression that I didn’t realize it was affecting other areas of my life. it poisoned every single aspect of my world. every part of me. think about when you spill something on a white shirt, ok? lets use coffee as an example. you spill the coffee on your clean, bright white shirt and the stain just travels to every part of the fabric it can reach. before you know it, that little drop of coffee has almost ruined your shirt. that’s what my depression felt like. like it was the coffee staining and ruining the t shirt that was my life.

that analogy made a lot of sense in my head. so if I’ve completely lost you, let me explain. I was miserable. miserable. I thought I hid it well. I thought that when I wasn’t home, no one could tell how unhappy I was. I thought that outside of those four walls I was just a happy-go-lucky girl. LOL. that couldn’t have been farther from the truth.

I was irritable, I had no patience for anyone or anything. I was a raging BITCH. does it suck to say that? absolutely. but its the truth, and the truth really fucking hurts some times.

I first noticed this while I was at work. I had little to no tolerance for some of my coworkers, I know I wasn’t enjoyable to work with. I wouldn’t want to work with myself then either. when I was with my friends, I wasn’t even having fun. I agreed to plans to get out of my house, but then I was still miserable anyways. it was like I was constantly trying to figure out what would make me less unhappy, if that makes sense? and in doing so, I was letting it affect my other relationships.

I was so negative, all of the time. I walked around life with this subconscious mentality that if I was miserable, everyone else had to be miserable too. its so fucked up when I think about it now. and its embarrassing to think about myself acting that way, truly embarrassing.

I didn’t pick or choose who I took my feelings out on either. if I talked to you, you were fair game. so I am truly sorry if you were ever one of those people. consider this a public apology to you. it was never personal, and I hope you know that.

im sorry that I was irritable
im sorry that I had an attitude
im that I took it out on you
im sorry that I lost myself
im sorry if I hurt any of you in the process
im sorry if I abandoned you, or was a shitty friend through all of this

at the same time, I want to say thank you to those people too.

thank you for standing by me
thank you for knowing I wasn’t myself
thank you for not blaming me entirely for what was happening
thank you for helping me find the light at the end of the tunnel
thank you for being my home when I didn’t feel like I had one
thank you for loving the best version of me enough to not abandon the worst version of me

so here’s to loving and living a full life. here’s to being NICE, and having compassion, and using a damn tide-to-go pen on those coffee stains. here’s to breaking the shell that I hid under. here’s to more days of singing in the car. here’s to being carefree. here’s to doin my best. here’s to meeting that happy-go-lucky girl I thought I was. and here’s to letting you all meet her as well. its been a pleasure so far.

• doin my best: kelsea ballerini
• glory days: gabby barrett
• this is me trying: taylor swift
• clean: taylor swift
• come clean: hilary duff (an absolute BANGER)
• dancing in the moonlight: toploader
• this ones for the girls: martina mcbride
• self love: avery anna
• heartfirst: kelsea ballerini
• forever winter: taylor swift
• subject to change: kelsea ballerini
• perfect day: hoku (always)