grow through what you go through

what is a boundary? and no I don’t mean just a line or something that marks the limit of an area (but kind of). I’m talking about a boundary you set for yourself, in your everyday and romantic relationships. a rule or limit that you establish to protect your security and well-being. do you see the common theme here? boundaries are all about YOU. don’t forget that, okay?

if you haven’t noticed by this point, a lot of the things I’ve learned lately are solely because of the work I’m doing in therapy (I know, I keep talking about it and its probably getting annoying). BUT, I’m serious. all of the things I started talking to my therapist about were things that could be fixed with the creation of healthy boundaries. but how do you get to that point? how do you set boundaries? what even IS a boundary?

all of these questions come with different answers depending on you as an individual. when I started therapy I was unhappy, resentful, I felt like in some of my relationships I was being taken advantage of, and I had this overwhelming feeling of not knowing who I was anymore. I felt lost. given what was going on in my life, of course I was unhappy. I was in a toxic relationship and working through making the biggest decision of my life. but these feelings of unhappiness didn’t end there. I couldn’t find the joy in anything. not in softball, not in music or a good book, not in shopping with my best friend. it was non-existent. I would do so many different things, hangout with so many different people, and never felt the joy I thought I should.

it wasn’t until later that I started to find out why. my therapist talked to me a lot about my different “parts”. she explained to me that we all have these different “parts” of us that have been created through chronic trauma. the most over-bearing part of me is my people pleasing part, which can come from a variety of different things; getting negative responses when disagreeing with someone or something, saying no, or anything that generally goes against someone else. to combat this, I used to say yes to everything and everyone. I used to agree with everything.

I never felt like I was able to say what I wanted or needed; its OK to need things, everyone has needs! but this felt really difficult for me, and still feels that way in certain relationships I have with certain people. it was hard to feel like I wasn’t allowed to voice my needs or wants, and when I did I felt guilty. its not selfish to have needs, its human. there’s not a single selfish thing about it. if anyone is making you feel like that, its a clear indication that you need to set a boundary (and tell them to fuck off).

my relationships (both romantic and not) felt difficult and draining to me. I felt like after spending time with certain people I was exhausted from absorbing their negative energy. I began to feel overly sensitive to others opinions (we’re still working on this one). its totally normal to care what other people think about you, but what isn’t normal is to take those opinions too seriously, or to allow them to control our actions. if I’ve learned anything its that not everyone will like you, and while that’s a hard pill to swallow, its OK! the only person who knows what’s best for you is always you.

so where did I go from here? how did I set boundaries to circumvent feelings all of these things? first and foremost I thought about what I wanted and needed.

to feel safe in my relationships and friendships
to have others respect the boundaries that I create
to be heard
to feel validated
to be appreciated and valued
to have others respect that “no means no”
to have my needs met
to have an absence of emotional and verbal abuse

I started practicing saying “no” without feeling guilty (again, this is something I am still working on). I started to surround myself with people that made me feel supported. I started trying to separate other peoples emotions from myself and not feeling responsible for other peoples emotions (also still a work in progress).

before I started really learning about setting boundaries, I thought they were this really in-depth and extravagant thing, but I was wrong. i’ve set very simple boundaries recently. i’ve taken more time to myself. part of my people pleasing is not having any “me time”. i’ve been more intentional with days off and the time I have after work to do something for me, whether that’s writing this blog, cleaning, reading, laying outside, or doing absolutely nothing. i’ve been more vocal about things that upset me, or make me uncomfortable.

setting boundaries is hard. getting vulnerable is hard. getting people to respect your boundaries is hard. removing people from your life who can’t respect your boundaries is hard. but you know what’s even harder? living a life you hate. living every single day for everyone else. losing yourself and trying to find yourself again.

I look forward to softball now, losing myself in a good book and shopping sprees with my best are my favorite things to do again (even if my bank account disagrees). I know exactly who I am, what I want, and what I need. I surround myself with the people that respect that, the people that support that, and the people that still love me for me. boundaries are hard, and they’re scary, but they’re worth it.

the only people who get upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who were benefiting from you having none.

your boundary is only a problem for those who don’t know how to respect you.

love yourself enough to set boundaries. your times and energy are precious and you get to decide how to use them. you teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won’t accept.