grow through what you go through

I think anyone in today’s society, especially with the overbearing influence from the media, struggles with some sort of body image issue. whether its mild or severe, I’m pretty sure its safe to say that everyone has dealt with this in some way. I know that for me, its something i’ve struggled with for a LONG time. and until recently I never really knew where it stemmed from (live. love. therapy.)

I don’t know if i’ve mentioned this, but i’ve been doing a lot of trauma work in the last year. part of that includes EMDR therapy. if you’re not familiar with this (because I never used to be), EMDR stands for eye movement desensitization and reprocessing and it is used for treating trauma, anxiety, stress and substance abuse.

essentially what it entails is recalling emotional and painful memories or thoughts while being exposed to some sort of external stimuli (audio, tapping, etc). lateral eye movements occur during this time which allows you to access your traumatic events memory network, which in turn allows you to recall and process information in order to create new positive associations and thoughts. it sounds weird, maybe a little uncomfortable and kind of scary right? who wants to relive the worst moments of their life? I surely didn’t.

on day 1 of therapy, we talked about my ever growing list of things I wanted to work on. but at the top of the list was my body image issues/body dysmorphia. she asked me to elaborate on this, and to be honest, this might be one of the hardest things for me to openly discuss so it took me a minute to put it into words for her.

I began to explain to her that for as long as I can remember, I hated looking at myself in a mirror, I would OBSESS about the number on the scale, the size of every article of clothing I owned, how I looked in pictures, and what every one who looked at me saw. it was EXHAUSTING. its STILL exhausting.

I remember being in middle school and comparing myself to everyone. every other girl my age. I was never the skinny one, never the popular one, never the prettiest one. and that shit got to me. I bought clothes from abercrombie and american eagle, not because I liked them, but because that’s what all of these “pretty girls” were wearing and I thought that would make me feel better. plot twist: It didn’t. I would look in the mirror and see the same body I despised, just in more expensive clothes.

I tried every single “fad” diet there was. the military diet, weight watchers, I cut carbs, I cut sugar, I subscribed to beach body, and any other diet program that I saw an ad for. when I could drive, I joined a gym. and not for the right reasons. I would go, and run as much as I could on the treadmill, until I burnt what I thought was an acceptable amount of calories. and then I wouldn’t eat until dinner. I would just drink water to feel full. but then by the time dinner came, I was ravenous. I overate. and the cycle just continued.

there had been times in high school when guys, actually no lets call them boys because that’s exactly what they were. boys would say “you’d be so much hotter if you were a little smaller”, or “you’re pretty for a bigger girl”. at the time, that shit ate away at me. I was under the impression that appearance was literally all people cared about. I would think “I’m funny, I’m smart, I have a decent personality, but I’m not skinny enough”. and that is how I viewed myself. always the girl that wasn’t skinny enough. the “fat friend”. I mean what the hell, in the first month of dating my ex I saw a text he sent to his best friend that said “Im talking to this girl. she’s really pretty but on the bigger side”, and another guy accidentally sent me a text that was supposed to go to someone else that said “she’s very smart, very pretty but fat”. what the fuck was I supposed to think about myself???? I just kept justifying it in my head, thinking they were right. they were just being honest.

now, this wasn’t something I thought of every second of the day. just like anxiety, it comes in waves and is triggered by certain things. shopping and trying clothes on, having to get dressed up, going out to a big event like a wedding or party, taking pictures/looking at said pictures, meeting new people. there are bad days and okay days, never good days. I didn’t want to think like this, I didn’t want to hate myself. who would want that?? but I couldn’t help it. I still can’t help it.

it wasn’t until my first EMDR session that I pin-pointed exactly where this all started. I was 12 years old.

doctors are scary enough for kids. you get poked with needles, or you’re their because your sick. it never seems to be a pleasant experience. not only was my pediatrician responsible for my routine checkups, but SHE was also responsible for my body image issues. at 12 years old, my pediatrician told me I was fat. she handed me a pamphlet for a dietician, looked me in my eyes and said “I recommend you reach out or you’re just going to get bigger with age”. I will never forget it. the tone of her voice. the look on her face. that stupid fucking pamphlet. I wanted to die right there. in that office. how could a woman, a DOCTOR, tell a little girl that. she wasn’t talking to my parents, she was talking to me.

it all went downhill after that. that’s when the diets started, that’s when I used to cry after going to the mall with my friends, or when I looked in the mirror before school. all because of that stupid pamphlet. and I look back at pictures from that point in my life and I get so mad, because I would kill to look like that now.

so through EMDR, the thoughts surrounding that memory went from “I’m disgusting”, “I am worthless”, “I’m fat”, “I’m not enough” to “I am beautiful the way I am”, “I am worthy”, “I am healthy” and “I am enough”.

it has taken me a lot to get the point where I am now, and I’m not saying that I never have these thoughts anymore, because believe me I had one this morning. but what I have gotten better at is changing my perspective on beauty, and body image. I stopped looking at the number on the scale and focused on how I feel. I stopped looking at the size on clothes and started focusing on how I felt in the clothes. I stopped comparing myself to other peo0ple because I am my own person. and I changed my idea of what “beautiful” means.

you don’t need to be a size zero to be beautiful, you don’t need to have perfect hair, or skin, or teeth. you don’t need to wear the clothes that everyone else is wearing. you don’t need to weigh a certain amount. I am healthy, I am able to live my life the way I want to, I am able to exercise, play softball, and feel confident (sometimes, this is still a work in progress). I wear what I feel comfortable in that day, and I wear what feels flattering to me. most importantly, I surround myself with people who lift me up. people who think that I am perfect the way that I am, people who don’t try to change me, make comments about my weight, or look at me as a size or number on the scale. is it easy? absolutely not. do I still joke about my weight and appearance to my friends? always. but its a defense mechanism. in the same way I use humor to cope with grief, I use humor to cope with my body image issues on my bad days.

I’m no longer looking for the latest diet, I’m no longer skipping meals, or running myself into the ground to conform to some societal image of what woman should look like. every day I love myself a little bit more than the day before. your body is beautiful. no matter who you are. and if you need someone to remind you of that every single day, I can be that person for you. I think about all of the GOOD things my body does for me every single day, instead of focusing on the things I hate about it. the things you hate, might be the thing that someone falls in love with.

“she was beautiful, but not like those girls in the magazines. she was beautiful for the way she thought. she was beautiful, for the sparkle in her eyes when she talked about something she loved. she was beautiful, for her ability to make other people smile, even if she was sad. no, she wasn’t as beautiful for something as temporary as her looks. she was beautiful, deep down to her soul. she is beautiful.”

F. Scott Fitzgerald

• beautiful: christina aguilera
• your body is a wonderland: john mayer
• victoria’s secret: jax
• power: ellie goulding
• broken and beautiful: kelly clarkson
• nightmare: halsey
• who says: selena gomez
• good as hell: lizzo
• born this way: lady gaga

• god bless this mess: hannah brown
• tiny beautiful things: cheryl strayed
• the way i used to be: amber smith
• home body: rupi kaur
• tell me lies: carola lovering
• it starts with us: colleen hoover