grow through what you go through

people say that the most painful thing in life is to lose someone you love, or thought you loved, when in reality, what’s even more painful is losing yourself in the process of valuing someone SO much, that you forget that you’re special too.

I truly hope that if you’re reading this, you’ve never known what it felt like to lose yourself. but if you’ve been there, if you’ve been to that place that genuinely feels like rock bottom, I can surely relate. that feeling where you wake up one day and look in the mirror, and the person looking back at you is unrecognizable. physically, mentally and emotionally. its terrifying. what was even more terrifying, was how long it took me to get to that point.

allow me to go back to the summer of 2017. two years after suffering one of the greatest losses i’ll ever know. i’m vulnerable, and whether I knew it or not, I was dependent. on everyone and everything. grasping at straws just to try to feel SOMETHING. anything. which is when my best friend introduced me to a guy, who I became embarrassingly dependent on, in a unhealthy amount of time. this relationship soon became my identity.

at the time, I didn’t realize what was happening. honestly, I’m not sure anyone did at first? and if they did, they didn’t tell me. how could they have? I was “happy” for the first time in 2 years. I thought I had found the joy in life again. no one in their right mind wanted to ruin that, and I don’t think I necessarily blame them. as the relationship progressed, I thought this was it. I thought I had found “the one”. I finally felt like I had some sort of control over my life again.

now its the fall of 2018. after feeling the loss of my dad every. single. day. for years, I finally felt “ok” (and I’m using that word VERY loosely). there had been talk of an engagement, the word “forever” felt like a safety net to me. so I said yes. and a a year and a half after our first date, I was engaged. let the wedding planning commence. the wedding was set for October 3rd, 2020. the perfect time of the year, with plenty of time to iron out all of the details. let me also mention, it was the day that would have been my dads 58th birthday.

i’ll spare you the details of the next 2 years. here’s what you need to know: we bought a house, I bought a wedding dress, he started a new job, and a pandemic cancelled our wedding.

i’m sure everyone has heard at least ONE horror story from a “covid bride” who’s perfect day was ruined. am I right? and my heart goes out to them, truly. I may not have gotten married, but I planned enough of a wedding to know how devastating it was for those couples. while all of the brides in western new york were scrambling for refunds from their deposits, trying to find new venues, editing guest lists to meet new covid guidelines, or making last minute adjustments to pull their dream wedding off, there was one bride who was taking a GIANT sigh of relief. (it’s me, hi, I was that bride)

that seems crazy, right? you’re probably wondering how the HELL I could be RELIEVED that my wedding was called off. clearly I was subconsciously having doubts long before I realized. now naturally I didn’t say anything to anyone at this point. I was ashamed. I felt like a horrible person. I knew how much this thought could hurt him. and all of the people who had helped us get to this point. so instead of listening to myself, I kept it in. I thought “maybe this will go away if I ignore it long enough”

plot twist: it didn’t go away.

immediately, I tried to figure this out. I went into “fix-it” mode. why am I not upset about my wedding? why am I not eager to plan a new one on a different date? why do I not care? while all of this is going on, he is working out of town. home for a handful of days and then gone. now, if you remember what I said previously, I had become very scared and dependent on everyone after losing my dad. I suffered (and still do) with a fear of losing people unexpectedly so you can imagine how the days went while I was alone at home and he was working. at first, they were awful. I felt SO alone. it wasn’t until being alone became my new norm that I learned how to cope with it. I started to find myself. little by little.

I can’t give you an exact timeline of this journey because it is somewhat of a blur, but what I can tell you is that at some point during it, I become much more observant of what was happening to me and around me. I started to realize the insecurities he had, I started to realize how those insecurities resulted in a lack of trust. I understand that everyone has insecurities, I am not demeaning that by any means. but I do believe that there is a healthy way to handle/talk about those insecurities without belittling your partner. I started to realize that I was being suffocated. I realized that I was feeling the need to lie about hanging out with my best friend to avoid arguments. nothing I ever did or said was correct or good enough. my entire life became a floor full of eggshells that I was trying not to crack with every step I took.

it continued with fight, after fight, after fight. my self esteem got lower and lower and lower. I felt stuck. it felt like things were too far gone and it was too late to leave. before I continue I just need to say: it is NEVER too late to leave.

I was isolating myself, I was irritable, miserable, moody, and any other negative adjective you can think of. I was all of them, and still trying to convince myself that I was the problem. this was all my fault somehow. while a lot of this is now a blur to me, there were three very distinct turning points that I unfortunately remember like they were yesterday.

two of them were arguments we had gotten in, and the topic of these arguments weren’t the issue. it was the fact that the combination of both arguments ended in him SCREAMING at me, him banging on the hood of my truck like some sort of wild animal, me catching him in a lie, him saying foul and degrading things about one of my best friends, and him punching a hole in the wall of our kitchen.

the last turning point was when I confided in him about the mental health struggles I was experiencing due to the turmoil of our relationship, on top of past trauma I had never processed. his response to this was:

“if you think you need therapy, then you are more messed up than I thought you were”

I wish I was kidding. this is when it was over for me.

over the course of the next couple months, I began opening up about all of this to a handful of people. tirelessly talking things through to figure out where the hell I went wrong, and where the hell I’m supposed to go from here. I did a lot of self-reflection and even more second guessing.

one of my best friends asked me if I thought I had rushed into things when I said yes to his proposal. I said to her:

if you would’ve asked me in november of 2018 if I thought we were moving to fast, I would’ve told you no. but looking back on it now, I think we did. I think that it was the first time I felt like I had control over what was happening in my life, and it felt like the only thing I could do to ensure that I wouldn’t lose someone else that I cared about

it wasn’t until I started therapy that I truly realized that I had absolutely no idea who I was anymore. I didn’t realize what was happening around me. I didn’t notice that the state of my relationship and the person I had become was making my friends uncomfortable. I didn’t realize that I had become a shell of the person I was. I didn’t realize that if I had waited any longer, I may not have been able to get myself back.

thinking back on the moment when I realized I didn’t recognize myself, I no longer find it terrifying. I find it empowering. the day I realized I lost myself was the first step in the process of finding myself again.

I removed myself from an extremely toxic environment
I have started to heal relationships with friends that had been hurt by the person I turned into
I found the TRUE joy in life. The joy in myself.
I realized what love should feel like; true, genuine, and honest love
I learned that the people who truly love you will ALWAYS be in your corner; they will ALWAYS encourage you to get the help that you need while being there next to you every step of the way
I realized that losing someone gives you the room to gain someone even better
I learned that it’s not about the people who will buy you flowers; its about the people who want to grow an entire garden with you

Most importantly, through all of this, I realized that the surest way to lose yourself, is by trying to find it through the eyes of someone else.

If you ever find yourself in this situation, or are on a journey of re-discovering yourself, these songs and these books got me through it. Hopefully you can find some strength through them as well.

• lose you to love me : selena gomez
• mountain with a view : kelsea ballerini
• flowers : miley cyrus
• penthouse : kelsea ballerini
• how to be lonely : rita ora
• clean : taylor swift
• love again : dua lipa
• sun to me : zach bryan
• leave me again : kelsea ballerini
• glory days : gabby barrett
• the good ones: gabby barrett
• august : taylor swift
• trustfall : p!nk
• heartfirst : kelsea ballerini
• subject to change : kelsea ballerini
• follow your arrow : kasey musgraves
• perfect day : hoku

• adelaide : genevieve wheeler
• firefly lane : kristin hannah
• ugly love : colleen hoover
• when breath becomes air : paul kalanithi
• the seven husbands of evelyn hugo : taylor jenkins reid
• love & other words : christina lauren
• midnight library : matt haig
• underneath the sycamore tree : b. celeste
• a thousand boy kisses : tillie cole
• how to walk away : katherine center
• god bless this mess : hannah brown