grow through what you go through

experiencing things for the first time is easily one of the scariest things in life. and it doesnt even matter how big or small that first is, or if it was by choice or not. it will still scare the hell out of you, and if i’ve learned anything in the last couple years, its that its OK to be scared. actually, its kind of normal?

I’ve spent so much of my life being afraid of change because, lets be honest, change is painful. but do you know what is even more painful? staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.

there’s been a lot of “firsts” for me recently that I’ve managed to muddle my way through. some of them were huge, like my first time living alone (at the ripe age of 28). others were small, like buying my first real plant and managing to keep it alive for more than a week. (this is huge guys!) but the commonality here is that, I did it. I survived (some might say i’ve thrived) and I am a better person because of it.

if you’re still with me, you might think its a little strange that at 28 years old I had never lived on my own. but let me break it down for you; at 20, I moved into my first apartment with a friend from college, mere months after I unexpectedly lost my dad. at 21, I moved back home with my mom after realizing that the environment I had put myself in wasn’t healthy for me any longer. at 22 (ish), I moved into an apartment with my then fiancé and at 24 I bought a house with him. it wasn’t until I called off my wedding and ended that relationship that I moved into a townhouse that became the first official place I finally felt “at home”. but I didn’t get to that point on my own. I got by with a little (a lot of) help from my friends (and my therapist).

speaking of my therapist, that’s another first. and before I dive into that, if you have any negative thoughts on mental health, seeing a therapist, or anything even remotely related to that, you might want to find yourself a new blog to subscribe to, because this isn’t for you. I think we can all agree on the fact that there is a stigma surrounding mental health. you are NOT weak for seeking help with mental illness. in fact, it makes you quite possibly, in my unbiased opinion, the strongest version of yourself. with that being said, after YEARS of bottling things up, doing my best to please everyone and neglecting myself, I made an appointment with a therapist. this is exactly what I meant earlier when I talked about those “firsts” scaring the hell out of you. was I scared to walk into a strangers office, sit down, and talk to her about all of my feelings, insecurities and irrational thoughts? of course I was! just the thought of it made me sweat (more than normal). but guess what? I did it. and I went back, week after week and its been exactly 1 year since my first appointment.

it wasn’t until I had gotten to a place of understanding myself better, and being able to comprehend my thoughts and actions, that I was able to (for the first time in my life), make a decision for myself and leave a relationship that had become so toxic to me without worrying who I would hurt along the way. ill never forget the day I saw the “for sale” sign on my front lawn. it truly was a punch to the gut, but I wasn’t looking at the bigger picture. to me, I was leaving “home”, leaving behind a life I had grown accustomed to for 5+ years, and not really knowing what was next for me. but in reality when I was able to shift my focus, I was leaving a life that had turned me into a person I didn’t even recognize when I looked in the mirror.

my therapist said this to me once:

“close your eyes, and I want you to picture your most ideal life like a scene in a movie and when you picture that scene, what is going on? what are you doing? where are you? how do you feel? that is your goal. to get to that point. that is going to be your new ‘home’, your safe place.”

this is the scene that played out in my head.
I was in my townhouse, and it was decorated minimally, earthy tones, clean, not cluttered, and FULL of books and plants. I was getting ready for the day dancing around the house with “Perfect Day” by Hoku blasting in the background, like my life was one of those old Mary Kate and Ashley movies, and I didn’t have a care in the world.

while the song choices have since varied, my house is covered in tan, sage green, and terracotta. there are plants everywhere you look, all alive, and all thriving for months now. there is a room FULL of books (187 to be exact). and there is not a single piece of my old life existing in this new place with me. was it scary, hell yes. was I afraid of failing, always. but was it worth every sleepless night, meltdown, therapy session and gray hair that it took to get me here. absolutely yes. I would do it again, a million times over, to get to the place I’m in now, mentally and emotionally.

the point of all of this is that I wouldn’t have gotten here without a lot of change. without an abundance of “firsts” that I had put off far longer than I ever should have. as much as I love doing things for other people, my NEW favorite part about life, is doing things for ME. at the end of the day, if you lose yourself, you lose it all.